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 Tavish DeGroot (Marine)

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PostSubject: Tavish DeGroot (Marine)   Thu Apr 24, 2014 6:57 pm

Name: Tavish Degroot

Species: Human

Allegiance: Marine

Home: East Blue

History: Growing up in a town filled with pirates, Tavish wanted nothing more than absolute and complete order. When his dad left to sail the seas as a pirate, his hatred for them grew even more. He trained hard every day to become strong enough to fight anyone so he could bring order to the lawless east blue.

Appearance: His hair is a complete white, even though he is in his late 30's. His face is grizzled and covered with scars. He has a light beard. He is surprisingly short, but totally muscular and weighs about 250 pounds. He wears a simple grey shirt and black pants. He never wears shoes, and walks around barefoot. His feet are so tough due to this that he can kick through most objects with surprising force. He wears nothing else.

Personality: He views the world as something that needs to be cleansed, and has little to no patience for anyone who does anything out of order. He doesn't talk much, but when he does it is loud and forceful. He is extremely unpleasant at times. He regards activities such as eating and bathing to be a waste of time, and only does them when he feels he absolutely needs to. He has an irrational fear of insects, but does his best to cover it up.

Weapons: He fights with his bare hands or uses a shotgun that he carries with him at all times. He even sleeps with it, since he's paranoid that he'll have to go into combat at any time.

Special Abilities: Master at unarmed combat. Few can best him in a fight without weapons. He is also proficient with most basic marine weapons. His kicks are extremely powerful, although he only uses them as a last resort since they can be fatal. His willpower is extremely developed, so he's resistant to all forms of fatigue and torture.

Goal: To eliminate piracy in the east blue.
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PostSubject: Re: Tavish DeGroot (Marine)   Mon Apr 28, 2014 8:32 am

Expand on everythin, as it lacks details everywhere.

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PostSubject: Re: Tavish DeGroot (Marine)   Sun May 04, 2014 3:23 pm

What should I add to?
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PostSubject: Re: Tavish DeGroot (Marine)   Sun May 04, 2014 6:12 pm

First of all, appearance should go before history and it should be a larger paragraph, at least a bit longer than that one, but include as much detail as you can about your character. The history paragraph is extremely short. It needs to be at least two long paragraphs, but further detail is encouraged. Your personality paragraph could be a little longer. Remember this paragraph will determine how your character usually reacts to certain situations and what he likes  what he hopes, etc.

Please, follow the order set in the character sheet, and if a category doesn't apply to your character write N/A in it.

Your Special Abilities section is way too vague: master at unarmed combat, very few can beat him. Okay so you saying this would be saying like 3/4 of a yonkou crew might not be able to beat you? You need to attempt to quantify his proficiency: is he at the level of a Black Belt? Level of an apprentice? Furthermore, you can't start out as being a "Master" in a fighting style without putting any effort into it. Saying his kicks can be fatal is excessive. Fatal blows should be gained through roleplay and it's not like you manage to kick someone in the arm and they lose it...

Similarly, you need to categorize the stuff you can do with your character into techniques. That is why you have a Technique Lists area there. If you want a kick that might be fatal or able to cause internal damage you need to describe it.

Okay you can say that he's resistant to torture due to marine training and stuff, but every character has a limit to fatigue. Unless your character is really advanced, you're probably not going to be able to run from one side of Alabasta to the other one, despite how much willpower you have, your body just isn't capable. Fatigue is a way of your body saying that it needs rest because if not something will go wrong.

Please correct all of these. And take into consideration that a character sheet should be as detailed as possible in order to promote fair role playing. A character sheet that is, as you can appreciate, almost as long as my post describing what you need to add and correct is unacceptable...

I hope you find some inspiration and detail your character further. I'm looking forward to seeing you get better at this, remember no one is perfect and that it is completely fine to make mistakes the first times, because you're human. Just learn from them for the future.

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