One Piece RP - Race to the Grand Line

Providing the Original One Piece RP Experience Since 2007
HomeGalleryFAQSearchMemberlistUsergroupsRegisterLog in

Share | 

 Neto WIP

Go down 

PostSubject: Neto WIP   Sat Mar 10, 2012 6:09 pm

Name: "Ape" G. Neto

Age: 16

Bounty: 99

Species: Human

Occupation: Marksman(Ship Builder)

Allegiance: Pirate(Blizzard Pirates)

Home Village/Ocean: Grandline


History: It was Summer in the Grandline. Neto,a girl was birthed into the world by her mother. She was crying,but calmed down when she saw her Mother face. Her Mother then said ''I will call you Neto.'' after she named Neto she hugged her with joy. Years passed and Neto was now 8 years old. ''Mother can I go out and play with the other kids?'' said Neto. ''Sure but but be back at dinner time'' said Neto Mom. Neto then ran outside to see the other kids she ran into the forest, but stopped when she saw their was no kids outside to play with. ''Anybody!?!'' said Neto. ''I guess I will go back home and ask Mother to give me some berry.'' said Neto. She ran up to go back home when she got there she said'' Mother can I borrow some Berry?'' She gasped when a fish that was standing holding her mother at the neck. ''Mother!'' said Neto. The walking fish then threw her mother to one of the tables. ''Now where is it?" asked the walking fish. ''Where is what?'' said her Mother? ''YOU DO KNOW WHERE IT IS DON`T LIE TO ME!!!!'' shouted the walking Fish.

The walking fish then left without saying anything. ''Blow it up boys'' said the walking fish when he got outside. Cannons fierd at the house and some of the wood turned into fire. The walking fish laughed wildly without thinking twice. More cannons fierd even one went straight into the building and destroyed a wooden door in little time the building was on fire! Wood from the ceeling crashed on the floor and spreaded the fire. ''AHHHH!'' Screamed Neto. The walking fish then walked back in with a musket. ''Now if you don`t want your daugther to die hand over it.'' said the walking fishman. Neto Mother ran to Neto and picked her up from the ground. There was a sound of an fire and Neto Mother dropped to the floor bleedy rapidly. Neto fell to the ground crying! ''Mother!'' Shouted Neto. Neto ran to a door and opend it she then closed it scared. She put her back on the door so the walking fish wouldn`t come in with her musket. She then heard sounds outside the door their were shouting and screaming. Neto then heard mother voice saying''You can`t have the Climate Baton!"" "GIVE IT!'' shouted the walking fish who voice Neto reconized. Neto ran down the steps and found a closet. She ran in but when she was about to close the door she heard more gunshuts and this time she heard her mother scream with pain! There were booms as more of the building crashed down. Wood fell on top of Neto in the closet she pushed them off crawled to a nearby chest. The building shook,the chest fell down open and a staff fell out.

''So this is the Climate Baton'' said Neto. Neto hand fell on it and she picked it up. ''So what does this do?'' said Neto. She started to spin it and a puffy white cloud came out. ''What the....?" said Neto? The cloud started raining and put out the fire in the basement. Neto then got up and walked away with the Climate Baton. She then walked up the stairs and opened the door only to see her house on fire! She spined her Climate Baton once and a cloud came out! ''Cloud Summon!" said Neto. She pointed the staff to the cloud and shouted ''Rain Summon!'' said Neto. Rain started pouring on the fire and all their was left was black smoke. Neto walked to the door and opened it. She saw a paper with writing on it and it said Fishman was here! With anger she smashed the paper and yelled '' FISHMAN!'' Shouted Neto. Neto ran to the dock thinking Fishman live in the sea. Instead she saw a ship! She jumped into the ocean and swam to it. Neto then climbed on the anchor and got up to the ship. Neto ran to a door but had a Fishman there. She saw a fruit that was called a DevilFruit. ''Hey your the one boss was talking about!'' said the Fishman. She grabbed the DevilFruit and ran to one of the small boat. Neto then got in the boat and started lowering it down then she paddled with her two hands. On one of the pillars for the dock she climbed on it and got to the top of the dock. ''Thunder Summon!'' said Neto. A great blast of lightning hit the ship and it then turned on fire. ''That`s what you get for messing with my family!'' said Neto.

Ship Flag:

Devil Fruit: Doa Doa
Type: Paremecia
Effect: The Doa Doa no Mi is a Paramecia-type Devil Fruit that allows the user to create doors through anything they touch, making the user a Door Human.

Special Abilities: Six Powers

Learned Techniques (Keep it 1-25):
Six Powers:
Kami: The abbility to dodge attacks and act like a moving piece of paper.

Gpo: The abbility to shift into a moving formation. This grants the abbility to shift and jump throughout air it's self.

Ranka: The ability to cause a slicing wind that cut's through steel. Extreme preassure.

Shoan: The physical abbility to use a meer finger to strike someone else like a speeding bullet.

Flash Sor: The abbility causes a high speed movement towards someone, at least 30 meters away.

Tessau: The abbility to stresh the body into the strength of 100 walls of steel.
Climate Baton Techs.:

Cloud Summon: Spinning the baton around causing puffy smoke to rise up into the atmosphere.

Rain Summon: Sending water vapor into the Clouds or the cloud summoning.

Hail Summon: Sending a cold breeze into a cloud and if water vapor is in it, it sends down hail uppon an oppenet.

Thunder Summon: Sending strong heavy water vapor droplets, making the cloud form turning into a black cloud, it then descends thunder onto a whole yard length.

Dark Cloud Summon: Spinning the baton around once, causes a big dark cloud to rise. This causes lightning to strike an oppenet.

Door Door:
Space Door: The user can travel through the air going compeltely invisible, but can still see outside reality.

Spin door: The user slaps or punches an oppenets face making it appear as 3 different sections spinning around.

Telport Door: The user can open any door through time and space, and walk anywhere being untouched, then open another door to go back to reality.

Door Door: The user just touches a wall or a floor and opens a regtangular space.

Weapons/Items: Climate Baton(Cloud, Thunder, Rain, and Wind)

Character Flaws: Sex.

Goals: To design and draw blueprints of the greatest ship ever.

Back to top Go down


Posts : 2909
Join date : 2010-05-01
Age : 24

PostSubject: Re: Neto WIP   Sun Mar 11, 2012 8:19 am

I can see that this is only WIP, but really, there are already some flaws with it I'd like you to take a lood at.
Okay, first of all, that is a picture of Lan Fan from Fullmetal Alchemist.
If you'd please read the rules for character creation before actually creating one.
Moving on, I'm not trying to discourage or demotivate you, but that history barely makes sense. Please, please at least try to use correct grammar. I know you might just be learning english, it's completely okay, but half of the time, I can't even make out what you mean. I don't see how you expect to rp with such limited skills.
Aside from the grammar, the history itself lacks detail in all important sections, yet it focuses on ones I wouldn't even think about. Of course she cried as a baby, and of course her mother named her, you don't have to tell us that. You could, however tell us things like why did the fishmen even have a devilfruit just lying around. Or why exactly couldn't they just build a climate baton, which is pretty much considered normal technology on this site. How did she even know what they were?

I trust you were planning to explain in the next part of history how exactly you expect her to learn the six powers, or how she became a marksman and a shipwright, what gained her a bounty, let alone how sex (both the activity and the genderterm) qualifies as a flaw.
Back to top Go down
View user profile

PostSubject: Re: Neto WIP   Mon Mar 12, 2012 12:21 pm

I'm sorry but this is my first year during RP. And this isn't my first time learning English. That's a little harsh though. I'll redo my app, thank you for your suggestions, but this is still WIP.
Back to top Go down
Sponsored content

PostSubject: Re: Neto WIP   

Back to top Go down
Neto WIP
Back to top 
Page 1 of 1

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
One Piece RP - Race to the Grand Line :: Main Area :: Character Creation-
Jump to: